Hesitation

Have you ever wanted something so bad you'd cry over it at night, obsessed about it for days on end, dreamt about could think of nothing but that for the longest time?

 I've been there. It was eating me for so long it became an 8 situation(in a scale of 1-10) and the bestfriend's help was called in. I've came to terms with this and made a firm resolution to get past it and forced myself into a decision. I have already put the decision in action and I have vowed to stand by it. I have already gave me a timeline and an ultimatum. It was a hard cake to swallow. I've cried over it, prayed over it and pondered on it hundreds of times. It was a struggle no one saw. You'd still see the bubbly, loud me although out the ordeal. Weeks later, the one that I wanted, the one that I've been hoping to get/receive/find/I dont know what to call it, have came knocking at my door. I should've jumped for joy and it would have been an Issue Resolved, but the thing is I didn't. I went through another internal struggle  I don't know how to come to terms with it, I was totally taken by surprise. It came out of nowhere. This became a 9 and the bestfriend cant understand me also. I also don't understand me. I honestly don't know what to do. Maybe in time I'll know what to do.